White Lightning Crystal Grease

Crystal Grease was first discovered when Reginald F. Snifferbutt scored a case of new old stock Crystal Pepsi from Ebay. When he finally received the box, he eagerly pried it open with his roommate’s crowbar. Reginald had never owned a tool in his life, although he had been called one now and again.

Inside the case, obscured by Japanese newspapers employed as packing material, was the holy grail of sodas. Crystal Pepsi. Only produced in quantity for one year, that golden slice of time between the release of Nevermind and the release of In Utero. When flannel shirt sales hit their peak and backpacks sagged lower than it was ever thought possible. In 1992, if your backpack didn’t threaten to give you calluses behind your knees, you needed a backpack upgrade. Eastpak just wasn’t gunna cut it, man.

When Reginald opened the first can (after carefully chilling it to 39.4 degrees) and tried to guzzle it to the finely tuned wail of Shannon Hoon singing No Rain, he found that the can just contained some clear gelatinous goo. He cracked another can. Tears streamed down his carefully shaven face.

Reginald left the cans of goo on the kitchen counter. His roommate, a dirt bag named Puff, stuck his finger in the can later that evening. Puff rubbed the clear goo between his fingers. It was soft and sticky and webbed when he pulled his fingers apart.

Midway through his 9th bong hit of the night, Puff had an epiphany. His headset was creaking like a mother, and maybe this clear goo would shut it up. It worked so well that he put the goo in his hubs and smeared it on his bolts. It was fantastic. No mess. No green grease everywhere. When you wiped it on your pants it just looked like you wet yourself, not like you were covered in grease.

Puff made Reginald synthesize the old Pepsi Crystal. He sold it to local bike shops as Puff’s Majik Crystal Grease Stuff. White Lightning, the erstwhile makers of a line of sub par chain lubes, took notice. Puff sold them the recipe for a dime bag of OG Head Cheese and a large Pizza from Stephanos. White Lightning Crystal Grease was born.

You can use Puff’s grease on anything that needs grease. Bearings. Any threaded surfaces. Headset cups. Seatposts. Dust Seals. We use it when we assemble custom bikes. No mess. A smear of clear grease isn’t gross like a smear of green or red grease. Red grease makes it look like your bike is bleeding. Kinda metal, but not rad in our book. Too much thought is given to greases, this one versus that one. Crystal grease works as good as any we’ve used, but it’s clear. You don’t realize how good this fact is, until you use it.

It’s food grade, so it won’t kill you if you rebuild a hub then eat a burrito without washing your hands (no judgement). 3.5 oz.