Zungenwurst Speed Lab, in collaboration with Handkase Aero Propulsion Institute, is pleased to announce a chain lube that makes all other lubes inferior. When you put a traditional lube on your bike chain, your bike is secretly crying out, help me, save me from this watt-robbing, cod liver juice! Your cogs are repelled, on a molecular level, and their agitated state wears down the teeth prematurely. Shifting suffers, as ‘normal’ chain lubes make a chain shift like a ‘86 Yugo on it’s 400,000th mile. Your peers mock you, with your dirty ‘lubricated’ chain. It is as if you yourself are tainted, unclean–a bike pariah. They will relegate you to Starbucks for post ride beverages while they find a nice pour-over bar. Your spouse will surely leave you, as you drip stinking oil on the carpet. Lastly, most importantly, your bike mechanic will hate you. All good bike mechanics work wearing white cotton gloves. When they have to adjust your disgusting derailleur, the pulleys are flinging black oil hither and yon. Their immaculate gloves become soiled. It is at this point that they will break out the angle grinder and turn your bike into a travel bike.
But friends, you can rejoice! Your spouse will continue to put up with you, your friends will let your enjoy a 4 dollar cup of Huehuetenango, your bike mechanic will only slightly revile you… but only when you take your chain, chainrings, derailleurs and cassette off, clean them in a ultra sonic parts cleaner that cost more than your first bike, and then reinstall. You may then apply our patented chain lube. 3 drops only. The lubricant penetrates the very soul of your chain, and your chain rejoices. Never before has it felt such a surge in usable wattage. It is now 23% more watt’sy then it was before, 48% more shifty, 51% more susceptible to a light rain shower that will then cover the chain in surface rust. However, the rain will never actually touch your bike, because the only place you should ride is on your Zwift, in your living room. You only have to reapply (and reclean) the drivetrain every 25 km, unless you are racing on an indoor track in the Intel clean room. Then it’s every 35km. All of this can be had for 65 euros for ¼ of an oz. Pro peloton technology is finally within your reach!
Okay, okay. Now for some real talk.
There are lots of new chain lubes on the market. Velo News, Friction Facts, and others have validated a rush to develop chain lubes that have no practical use. Many of these claim a degree of practicality, but there is no practicality in a system where you have to take the drivetrain off to clean it completely before relubing. Yet this is exactly what these lube companies recommend. Wattage lost to lubrication is a real thing. It’s not a myth. However, if you are hunting for bike efficiency while riding in Raybans, a flappy shirt and Chacos, I might suggest that you hunt somewhere other than your chains’ lubrication source. The wattage lost between the most efficient lubes out there and the least is less than 3 watts. It’s actually closer to two watts. In the grand scheme of all the things that are slowing you down, having hairy legs has more of an impact on how fast you are riding than your chain lube. So why use a chain lube that costs a fortune and is a pain in the butt to apply?