Fizik Tempo Microtex Bondcush Bartape (Various Colors)

The Fizik factory is right in the middle of a vast ranch. The ranch is in northern Italy, a region called Catena Montuosa Mucca Vegana. In this region, fed by mountain streams of Crystal Pepsi, vegan cows cavort on the hillsides. The cows, known locally as mucca fintas, are made entirely of off-brand Seitan. Their hides are a rich luxurious microfiber, ranging in color from Cadmium Yellow, to Celeste Green, to a deep Prussian blue. When the local farmers peel the cows (an annual ritual accompanied by much hooting and some moderate hollering), the mucca fintas regenerate their hides by listening to ‘If I was Your Girlfriend’ on repeat while quaffing from the ice cold Crystal Pepsi steams.

The hide is then processed in a special machine called a pasta maker. After this, the strips are covered in tiny speed holes. These are made one at a time by Mario Cippolini’s grandmother, who uses a spoke she stole from Gino Baralli in 1953 to poke the holes. It takes her 3 years to make the 453 holes that go into each strip of tape.

Here’s what really makes this tape great: it’s durable, it'll look good for a few years, it is easy to wrap if you are not a bar tape neophyte, it comes in reasonable colors AND it’s comfortable. Why so? Well, it’s backed by a high quality foam. Not the stuff that they put in normal bar tape, which is laughably bad. No, this stuff lasts. It has mad good rebound, like Wilt Chamberlain. That means the foam doesn’t pack down. It cushions, which is what it should do!

We recommend this tape to all those folks seeking less hand pump, less hand pain, that sort of thing. If you are uncomfortable on your bars, this tape will help. It’s not the only thing you gotta do, but it’s a start. Put Fizik gel under it. That’s made of the fatty underbelly of the maiale finto, the fake pig. Really though, if your hands hurt: raise your bars, get a higher stem, get better bars, and get a bike that fits.