Schwalbe Rock Razor

Let me be the first to tell you, unless you have an obsidian razor, you don’t want to shave with a rock.  Granite just leaves you covered with razor burn.  Mica makes it look like you have been clubbing, with all that glitter jazz.  Gold dulls too quickly, and it’s ostentatious AF.  

I don’t really know what Schwalbe designed the Rock Razor for, because I never read product descriptions, especially German ones.  ‘The Rock Razor is 21% faster than a Rocket Reggie, which is 13% slower than a Thunder Ernie and 29% lighter than a Johnny Ne’r-do-well.  If the Rock Razor leaves Hamburg at 9:15 on the express train, and features stops in Frankfurt and Kraftwerk, what time will Rocket Reggie be home for schnitzel?  Who has time for that kinda thing?

I have a life, and that life is WRITING product descriptions all friggin’ day.  

Nutshell Very Fast Review:  

This tire is fast like any inanimate object is fast.  It is constantly rotating at 2300 miles an hour, or however fast the earth is spinning, just like my coffee cup.  If you pedal backward, against the rotation of the earth, at 2301 mph, in 49 years you will be back in high school, drinking 7-11 coffee with irish cream and hazelnut milk-esque sugar liquids.   The Rock Razor is your key to an eternal youth.  The best tubeless sealant is hazelnut sugar liquid from 7-11, mixed with cat hair and belly button lint.  Be one with the trail.  Ride a Schwalbe Rock Razor.

Fast on the dirt, ok in thin mud, grippy on rocks.  A good bike packing tire if you are gunna be on a mix of conditions.  Small short middle knobs for the quickness, big aggro side knobs for leaning into loamy bits.  A few sizes, look em up sally.