Prime Timber Pencil

Rumor has it that the Prime Timber is the only pencil that Al Jourgensen will write music with. A little known fact* about Al: he secretly loves writing childrens’ songs about farm animals on a fictional farm called Hay U.  He performs these songs, heavily disguised as a pink sheep, on a Sunday morning Canadian public access show that airs in northern Manitoba.  The name of the show escapes me, but you can google it.  

Lesser pencils cannot stand the intensity of Al’s writing.  He literally and figuratively shatters standard wood pencils with the weight of his words.  Pens are out: Nothing is permanent!, says Al.  Also, have you ever tried to scratch your ear with a pen point?  Everyone thinks it’s a new tattoo.  

Listen, it’s hard to write a product description when you are listening to Skinny Puppy.  It’s doable, but I wouldn’t recommend it for something more difficult to talk about than a pencil.  Here’s what you should know about Skinny Puppy.  They really liked monitor distortion.  To quote Mark Prindle’s current (ex?) wife: "Is that noise coming from the music? That's scary!" 

I don’t recommend switching to Brenda Lee mid stride, it’s a bit jarring, like suddenly being deprived of all your senses.  Switching to Nine Inch Nails reveals Trent Reznor as the Brittany Spears of Industrial.  Oops I distorted my vocals again.  

Moving on.  This pencil.  It’s sorta a weird mechanical pencil, in that it has thick lead and you can sharpen it.  Think about it like a wooden pencil that doesn’t get shorter.  Look: what effect are you going for if you whisper your vocal but it’s highly distorted?  Is it creepy if you can’t understand what he is saying?  He could just be reading the lunch specials at Never On Sundays.  

This is a really good looking pencil.  It’s probably the best looking mechanical pencil I’ve seen IRL.  I went there.  I did, you just saw it.  It wasn’t an emoticon, but it was damn close.  The Downward Spiral is disco twee pop for fans of black hair dye.  It’s as unsettling as 2% milk.  I bet they play it in the elevator at Motel 6, which doesn’t even have an elevator.  It’s just a box on a string they use to shuttle soiled sheets up and down the stairs.  

The pencil is made in Japan.  It comes in a package that makes you want to buy it, even if you don’t want a pencil.  I bought one of each color, just based on the packaging.  I’m a sucker like that.  The pencil also comes with a small sharpener for the lead.  We can get ya replacement lead, don’t worry.  And it’s not lead, you know that.  Although I have some lead pencils, and let me tell ya, they write great.  Taste good too.  Don’t lick your pencil.  Forget I said that.  Not a good idea.  You can get wood poisoning or a splinter.  

Buy this pencil, support a bike shop!    

*Not a fact, just made it up.