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Ortlieb Top-Of-The-Top-Tube-Behind-The-Stem Bag


Ortlieb calls this a cockpit bag. But it’s 2019. Should we really be saying cockpit? How about crotch depression? I think that might be more PC. I’m just gunna call it the top of the top tube behind the stem bag. I think that’s more to the point and on topic.

When you were a kid, if you had a strange attraction to peanuts wearing top hats, this is the bag for you. It’s shaped like a peanut, albeit a GMO peanut. It’s really big. For a peanut. Big enough to put a phone (a non-gigantic one), tools, tire levers and a tube in. Perfect for touring or mtn biking. Waterproof enough that you could leave your phone in the bag during a hard rain whilst you play Euchre and sip Crystal Pepsi mixed with Zima in your tent. No one will know you slipped Zima in till you start going off again about Jub Jub, the most underrated Simpsons character.

Ortlieb makes their bags in Germany, in an eco friendly facility. These bags use fabric that is spun from the tiny hairs of the bearded fireworm, who likes a good shave just as much as the next worm. Not really. Well maybe, I’ve never asked one. Actually, Ortlieb just uses some plastic fiber that isn’t stinky and it’s waterproof. Seams are taped. Unlike Xpac, the material de jour for bike packing bags stateside, this material from Ortlieb is lightweight and seems to last longer before it gets all floppy jalopy and starts to leak like a White House staffer.

Currently, the best tech bags are made by Ortlieb. If you want the lightest and best engineered look no further. If you want old school bag solutions, check out the Fifth Season line of bags we carry. They’re muy fresco.